Marci Baun

Tonight, my daughter sat down next to me and wanted to help me finish the coloring she had directed me to do earlier. I had asked her for the blue pen, but she wanted to color my page with the pen. Having spent a bit of time on it, I really didn’t want her to. You know, she’s still learning to color within the lines. It sounds childish that I grudgingly let her help–the blue strayed into my orange and pink, but I am being honest. As I stared down at the top of her head, her lip sucked in between her teeth in concentration, I realized that this wasn’t so much about coloring as it was about being close to me and contributing to what I was doing. She’s of that age now that she wants to help with everything. (Yes, I know, enjoy it while it lasts. LOL) By me letting her help, she felt good about herself and important. It also, in a roundabout way, shows her how to share and cooperate, but that’s a different blog.

Watching her, and seeing how much it meant to her to be able to “help” Mommy, I realized something else: the importance of contribution. When you ask someone for help or allow someone to help you (and help them in return), you validate their importance, you give them the opportunity to experience their own worth. This is not about mooching off of others, but showing a child, an elderly person, a peer, and so on that their opinion, their contribution matters, that they can make a difference. You build their confidence, and their desire, and their knowledge, to help others again. You also teach them that receiving is good and natural. Her coloring wasn’t perfect, but the desire to help me, to be a part of what I was doing was.

This afternoon, we went to Target to pick up a gift for one of her friend’s birthdays. I allowed her to pick it out along with the card. First, I am teaching her how to give (children, and some adults–okay, most of us at some point or other–tend to be all about me, me, me). Second, I was showing her with my trust in her decision that she can make decisions. If her friend doesn’t like the gift, well, that’s okay. My daughter chose it with the intent of making her friend happy. (A Barbie mermaid whose hair changes color in the water. The girl should like it. ) She did deliberate between a couple of them before settling on her final choice.

Contribution… Think about this. In the US, we have stripped the older generation of that ability. We make them retire at 65 years old. Some want to; others don’t. Those who do often find themselves at loose ends. They worked for so many years, had a purpose, had a place to be. Now what? Few people listen to them, although with their vast experiences of life, we should. The stories they can tell; the world we will never see as it is long gone. They have much to share…if we would only let them. I often seek my mother’s advice. She is a wise woman, and I am appreciative of what she has to give. I am sharing those same nuggets of wisdom with my daughter, as well as other young women. One in particular made me sit up and wonder what happened. (Tangent coming…)

I was lamenting to my mother how most of the young men now expect favors/sex when they go out on a date with someone and how the young woman feels obligated to “pay out,” so to speak. So, many young women don’t want the guys to pay for everything because of it. My mother said, “I don’t understand why these young men should think that, and I certainly don’t understand why the girl would feel that way. In my day, the boy took the girl out to get to know her better. He paid for the date and was grateful she agreed to go out with him. Paying for a date entitles them to nothing but the pleasure of your company, however you interpret that to mean. If it was me, that wouldn’t mean sex or even a kiss if I didn’t feel like it.”

I shared this bit of wisdom with a number of young women while working of as a librarian at a private acting university. It changed their views. Perhaps irritated a few guys, but, you know, it’s the truth. Those young men were lucky to have a date, and if they don’t want to date her again, then, you know what, they aren’t worth it. (Take back your worth, ladies!)

(End tangent…)

Back to contribution. When someone asks you for advice or you help someone, how does that make you feel? Do you see yourself in a different light when you discover you can help someone, even if it is in a small way? When you participate with a group/volunteer, don’t you enjoy the sense of accomplishment? Sometimes, you might think you don’t have the time. Maybe you think you have to offer to run something in order to really participate/contribute. You don’t. Time expenditure can be big or small. You do only what you can because every little bit helps.

This is just my opinion, but when I join a club, I do so because I believe in what they are doing. However, if I am going to be a part of that group, I will step up to the plate and help. My help may only be judging a five books as I did for the EPPIEs last year or presenting an hour workshop at EPICon, but I will do what I know I can. I have offered to help EPIC with their website updates. Honestly, I don’t have time to become the webmaster, but I am willing to help in some capacity. Do I have the time? Um, not really. My plate is full between two publishing houses, a young child, my husband, and making sure I have a life outside of all that, but I believe in this organization. I will find the time to do it. If I am not going to participate, even in a small way, I might as well stop being a member.

Contribution. Try it. No matter how little it is, you’ll find that it enriches your life. You will get a lot more out of it than you give. And, remember to give others the opportunity to contribute as well.

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My daughter’s interpretation of me.

When I first met my husband, I didn’t want children. Oh, I liked children, but the responsibility that came with them…not so much. And there is no question that children bring huge changes in our lives, but they also bring many blessings. This morning, my daughter gifted me with some artwork and a homemade card for Mother’s Day. She also said, “I love you, Mommy.” The card, with artwork by her and her handwriting, was precious. I will most likely save that to show her some day. She’d drawn a portrait of me (not bad for a four year old, but I hope I don’t look like that. LOL) These moments make motherhood, and all its trials, worth it.

As many of you know, we’ve had some challenges. Last night, I slept not at all listening to the noises she made, afraid I’d miss the telltale signs of a seizure. (The last one, I found her on her back throwing up. I am not sure what woke me that night, other than maternal instinct.) Somehow, I have to come to a point where I trust I’ll wake up should it (pray that it doesn’t) happen again. Still, the joy on her face, her little arms wrapping around my neck for a hug, the sweet voice saying, “Mommy, I love you,” the innocent laughter, and the trust in her eyes make every sleepless night a night I willingly endure, or as willing as anyone can be in this situation.

Yesterday, my husband and I stopped into a local nail salon to pick up a gift certificate for his mother. This woman does so much for us. As a mother-in-law, and person in general, goes she is wonderful. Truly, I am so fortunate to have one like this. Anyway, we were in the salon waiting for the owner to help us, and I was listening to these two women talk about their boyfriends/husbands and how these men wanted to have six kids. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) One woman said, “I told him he’d get two.” The other said, “Well, I’d be fine if they were all at once.” (Speaks the voice of inexperience.) I laughed and told her, “Um, that’s because you don’t have any children. You have no idea what you are talking about.” Both of them laughed. I also said, “Tell them if they want six, they can carry them,” which made them laugh as well. I wasn’t kidding.

I thought I knew what motherhood would be like before my daughter’s birth. Yeah, it’s not so much like that. In many ways, it is better. In others, it’s much harder. One thing I can say: it is nothing like anything you imagined.

Another photo:

Mother's Day card with personalized artwork

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